Sex Talk: Why decades-old marriages fail

What the report says

The Observer’s “Sex Talk” column revisits the question of why some long-running marriages break down, focusing on sexual mismatch in later life. The columnist frames the discussion around a past encounter with an 81-year-old reader at a Shell shop who said he had left a first marriage after intimacy disappeared, remarried a much younger woman, and was advising other older couples facing similar problems.

The piece argues that sexual desire can remain important for men and women well into older age, but that physical and hormonal changes may affect couples differently. It highlights perimenopause and menopause as periods that can bring symptoms such as irregular bleeding, body changes, low libido and insecurity, while some husbands in their 50s and 60s may feel energetic, youthful and interested in trying new things sexually.

The columnist says these mismatched experiences can lead to resentment, avoidance and emotional distance, especially when one partner feels ready to stop having sex while the other still considers it central to the marriage. The article presents this as one possible explanation for separations after decades together, rather than a complete account of all marital breakdowns.

As advice, The Observer column encourages older wives struggling with libido to consider practical lifestyle steps such as exercise, healthier eating, self-care and supplements, while acknowledging that women’s bodies can change significantly after 45 or even earlier. The broader point is that couples may need to address sexual health and expectations openly if they want long marriages to remain intimate.